what did the scottish epileptic get for his birthday?
a Wii fit.
a Wii fit.
General Discussion: Jokes
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17 Jun 2010 17:18
oh wait 
few over the last month i have got:
1976 - Robert di Nero - Taxi Driver
3 Oscars and Two Emmys
2010 - Derrick Bird, Taxi Driver
1 Oscar, 3 Tonys, 2 Emmys, 1 Gary, 2 Janes a Marc and a Billy
For anyone who missed Eurovision, here is what songs the countries sang,
France - Runaway
Iceland - Ashes to Ashes
Greece - Money
Germany - Rule the World
Portugal - I want my baby back
Israel - Disco Inferno
UK - Polish national Anthem
These new 3D tv's are so realistic i fell a sleep whilst watching the Liverpool game and when i woke up my fucking wallet had gone!!
17 Jun 2010 17:57
17 Jun 2010 18:29
18 Jun 2010 10:03
18 Aug 2010 12:17
20 Aug 2010 18:13
24 Aug 2010 12:51
oh wait few over the last month i have got:
1976 - Robert di Nero - Taxi Driver
3 Oscars and Two Emmys
2010 - Derrick Bird, Taxi Driver
1 Oscar, 3 Tonys, 2 Emmys, 1 Gary, 2 Janes a Marc and a Billy
For anyone who missed Eurovision, here is what songs the countries sang,
France - Runaway
Iceland - Ashes to Ashes
Greece - Money
Germany - Rule the World
Portugal - I want my baby back
Israel - Disco Inferno
UK - Polish national Anthem
These new 3D tv's are so realistic i fell a sleep whilst watching the Liverpool game and when i woke up my fucking wallet had gone!!
I was in a pub and told the following joke:
What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing in.
Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.
I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.
"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.
"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".
What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing in.
Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.
I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.
"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.
"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".
this is gonna go down well…
woman gets pregnant, has 3 kids, father works at woolworths so can't afford to feed them or take them on saturday trips to pegram's..he decides he's gonna kill them…he lines them up and shoots each one..after he shoots them he shoots himself.
time goes on and the kids manage to survive the shooting and the mother raises them as a single parent on benefits. The boys have since grown up and forgot about the shootings…
one day fontleroy runs downstairs.."mother mother i was having a dump and i discovered a bullet in my stool
"
mother replied…"fonty baby there is something i have to tell you"
all of a sudden jackwooly runs downstairs… mummy mummy i was having a piss and a bullet flew out…
mother replied…"jackwooly baby there is something i have to tell you"
all of a sudden before she could answer both of her loving children, jack the 4'4 scam artist runs downstairs.."maaam maam…i was having a wank and i shot the cat"
woman gets pregnant, has 3 kids, father works at woolworths so can't afford to feed them or take them on saturday trips to pegram's..he decides he's gonna kill them…he lines them up and shoots each one..after he shoots them he shoots himself.
time goes on and the kids manage to survive the shooting and the mother raises them as a single parent on benefits. The boys have since grown up and forgot about the shootings…
one day fontleroy runs downstairs.."mother mother i was having a dump and i discovered a bullet in my stool
"mother replied…"fonty baby there is something i have to tell you"
all of a sudden jackwooly runs downstairs… mummy mummy i was having a piss and a bullet flew out…
mother replied…"jackwooly baby there is something i have to tell you"
all of a sudden before she could answer both of her loving children, jack the 4'4 scam artist runs downstairs.."maaam maam…i was having a wank and i shot the cat"
people should go to this if they can…
http://www.comedycafe.co.uk/index.php?id_page=274&id;_language=1&id;_gig=7750&PHPSESSID;=24a88965e7620d3998f60f89580ce6d2
http://www.comedycafe.co.uk/index.php?id_page=274&id;_language=1&id;_gig=7750&PHPSESSID;=24a88965e7620d3998f60f89580ce6d2
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted,
"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you,
but I must find water first!
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said
"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted,
"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you,
but I must find water first!
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said
"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Just saw a nun riding on a clowns back. That's virgin on the ridiculous.
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FREE DOWNLOAD/ THE BEATMONKEYS v NWA | HOT TWAN
*****************************
FREE DOWNLOAD/ THE BEATMONKEYS v NWA | HOT TWAN
recent text jokes i've received;
nik naks will soon be issuing a new packet of crisps for the monsoon in pakistan. with every 10 packets sold, they will send a raincoat to each victim of the disaster. the new nik nak paki mac should be a big success.
i pulled up next to a woman driver at the traffic lights today and shouted at her, "Hey! Don't you know how to use your fucking mirrors?!". "Yes, of course I do!" she snapped. I replied "Well try using one to put some make up on before you go out in public. You ugly cunt!"
nik naks will soon be issuing a new packet of crisps for the monsoon in pakistan. with every 10 packets sold, they will send a raincoat to each victim of the disaster. the new nik nak paki mac should be a big success.
i pulled up next to a woman driver at the traffic lights today and shouted at her, "Hey! Don't you know how to use your fucking mirrors?!". "Yes, of course I do!" she snapped. I replied "Well try using one to put some make up on before you go out in public. You ugly cunt!"
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